I’m not gonna lie… the decision to get back into blogging regularly was a kind of tough one for me to make.
And once I finally made it and went back to it last week- it was a little daunting to hit “publish!” If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll probably remember the typo’s and the stream-of-thought rambling kind of thing that goes on around here… I learned a long time ago that if I didn’t blog generally in real time and post what I was feeling in the moment, I’d never actually publish a post or be able to justify the time spent attempting to post.
When I write a book, I spend hours- with others helping me at times!- editing and agonizing over each and every sentence and the blog is SUCH a different beast. I just finished editing my book last week and the final manuscript is IN so it’s very weird to switch over into more of a comfortable journaling-type mode over here. I’ve realized how much I miss it but it takes an attitude adjustment. When I published my two posts last week- and went back to read them later- I saw the usual typos and places where I could have written better and it was a little harder than it was in the past to let go. And that kind of made me realize how vulnerable writing a blog can be. Unlike a book, you’re putting yourself out there without anyone’s stamp of approval.
And you’re pretty sure someone’s going to have a problem with something you say- sometimes you know what it is in advance, other times it comes at you from left field. (Last week it was someone I don’t know or work with planning on “boycotting” my services because I love wisteria- though to be honest, I wasn’t surprised to get that one! I normally don’t share any of that side of things with you because I’m not into the drama but I can share this one because I’m being boycotted and it won’t get back to him/ her anyway 😉 ) But anyway, I have to be honest, I do think I took a little bit of a step back from my blog a few years ago because it became a bit exhausting to try to anticipate all of the criticisms… and I have been treated very respectfully by most people and didn’t at all receive any criticism I couldn’t handle but I think the bit I did receive affected me in a different way… in a subconscious way… I think I began to write in a way that was super-censored to make sure it wouldn’t upset anyone. (And I’m not kidding you, people can get upset reading about the way a room is designed!!) And, taking that far enough, I started to feel liked I’d watered down and filtered and explained what I was saying so much to a point where I wasn’t allowing myself to say anything or really let anyone in on what I was really feeling around here. And then it got a bit less meaningful for me and it began to feel more like something I couldn’t let take me away from work.
I’ve also had so many “secret” things (like books, TV shows, product lines, partnerships etc.) in the works for so many years that I started to feel when I sat down to write that I wasn’t allowed to talk about anything!! Blogging used to be where I’d go to share all of my home, business and design-related stuff but I wasn’t allowed to any more. I had more children and had less and less time and so naturally, I blogged less and less. I couldn’t bring myself to say I was “done” blogging because by then I knew myself enough to know I can “never say never” about anything I’m doing anymore, but I felt I needed to distance myself a bit and that maybe one day I’d come back to it. I poured so much of our story and shared as much as I could through Instagram and the tiny captions & stories there. And that was what I needed at that time. But I’ve journal’d my entire life and always found it helpful in working through things… I find it slows me down- and just like what I’ think I’m probably doing right now- it helps me look back and understand why I have done things and what I need to do. And now I think I might be feeling the urge to slow down and write a bit for clarity. Like most people, I have so much going on in my head on any given day, so I find writing helps me make sense of it all.
And in my life right now, I’m finding I need a little help to make sense of things. The days are flying by at the speed of light and the kids are growing so quickly. my deadlines often feel insurmountable, and I’m needed at every minute of every day… so I’m feeling the urge to take a breather and to get back into sharing on my own terms.
So let’s get into it… the reality is, my life has changed a lot since I stopped blogging regularly. I have changed a lot since I stopped blogging regularly.
I’m still me, but there’s some change. I’ve gotten older… and had both of my daughters. Going from three kids to five kids has been a major adjustment. I am so crazy into my kids and David and our little unit and so in love with them and thankful for them, that I think I got a little afraid to share it here. Blogging can be like PDA and I don’t want to PDA in front of you!!! 🙂 I also wondered who would care about hearing me write about my family and what’s going on so I wouldn’t and then I’d end up saying nothing.
And yes, I’m a decorator and I design homes for a living, but sometimes I’m excited about food and flowers and family and activities that fall outside of the “design” category and I worried that people didn’t want to read about anything from me other than decorating. (And you might be one of those people who are here for my story and what’s going on, but I can promise you, there are so many people here just looking for design inspiration & the professional “afters” and that’s my specialty so they want me to stick to it!! And I totally get that!!!) But I think that as I get older, that phrase “you can’t please” everyone really comes to mind. I started this thing over ten years ago and I started from a really raw and honest place and I’d like it to get back there. I’m not sure I can ever be as vulnerable again here as I used to be, because when I started only a handful of people were reading and I knew most of them, so I think pulling back a bit from that is a bit necessary, but I’d like to be able to share more of what I’m really feeling. I’ve also become less sensitive, which I’m sure happens with age too… I remember in the first year or two blogging and sharing my work and receiving criticism and it hurt my feelings. I’ve had my appearance picked apart along with my life choices. Today, yes, I would LOVE it if everyone liked my work and thought I was gorgeous but the reality is that’s just not possible and I’m very okay with it. My job is to design for my clients, not Pinterest. And I look how I look and it ain’t getting any better!! Every now and then I’ll have friends message me saying that can’t believe someone said what they said and I laugh because I truly don’t get upset or even really take in criticisms as negative any more… and I’m glad about that. I was THE most sensitive kid ever so I do have the internet to thank for that.
When I slowed down on blogging, I slowed down on other things too…. We haven’t had a “normal” life where we see our friends and family regularly and have a work-life balance in what seems like forever. We straight-up just have work time and family time and then every now and then we get to do something social but we used to party like rockstars and have friends over all the time. The truth is, by Friday now, I’m ready for snuggles and miss the kids so much (and vice versa) that I feel like I need to give them all of my time. But that of course leads to guilt at not seeing friends and other family more. Every now and then we get out (and I promise you- I’m still fun!!!) but it doesn’t happen as often as it used to, and though my good friends get it and still love me, I feel guilty. It’s changed me a bit.
I’m still super into chronicling things… I love a story and want to remember things. And I still love to share my life and what I’m excited about. I have more of an urge to not be in a box and to just write about what floats my boat on any given day and it’s kind of hit me that my blogging hiatus is a bit like getting to start over again and I’m excited about that.
So I’m different but that same. I often ask myself “who am I writing for?” The good answer, the one that keeps me writing, is always for both me and you. When it became about the stranger on the other end of the screen who wanted me to serve only a single type of ice cream, I could feel it. And I let it change what I was serving. And I got tired of feeling like I could only share one aspect of creativity when I had so much more I was excited about, so I all but stopped. So- I’m going to try really hard to not care about how things are received in order to stay true to myself and my passions- which is why I started writing here in the first place over ten years go. And I’m sincerely hoping you’ll find coming along for the ride worth your time.